When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
