She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
