I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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