The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
