Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
