Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
