I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
