If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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