My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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