My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
