Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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