There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
