you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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