I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
