So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
