wrigley field is MILF paradise
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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