i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
