happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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