i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
