i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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