So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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