I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
