I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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