Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
