my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
