We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize