If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I didn't notice because vodka
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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