your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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