I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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