The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think I sprained my soul last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
