she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
