Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
do nipples grow back?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
