sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize