My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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