Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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