i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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