Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize