i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
