i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
