pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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