Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
