Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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