I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
