we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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