dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
farters have to be the big spoon...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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