I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
