Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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