She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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