The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
