hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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