I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
