im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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