either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
