I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
