I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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