shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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