Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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